Daily Life, My Little Guy 
13 Comments The Saturday Autism Blues
This may be a bit more of a rambling post than you usually see here – I tend to reserve my stream-of-consciousness dissecting-my-day type of thoughts for my other blog, Autism Interrupted. But since the events of today are directly tied into the nature of autism and autism parenting, here goes…
There were a lot of things on the schedule for today. The local Young Eagles annual flight party, where they take children with disabilities for free airplane or helicopter rides, was today. We have had the opportunity to fly in both a small plane and a helicopter over the last couple of years, and it is a wonderful event. There are also police cars that will drive you around with sirens blaring, and muscle cars and fire engines to look at, and it’s a lot of fun.
My husband loves the helicopter rides, so this event is at the top of his wish list each year. However, our local school is also having its May Fair today. I wasn’t really worried about missing it, but thought they might have talked it up at school, so was prepared for Michael to come home and say he wanted to go. Then we got a call that his best friend’s birthday party was today, so of course Michael really wants to go to that.
It looked like things were working out okay when we woke up this morning – Michael had made no mention of the fair, and the birthday party isn’t until 5pm, so Bob got ready to take Michael to the flight party (while I would stay home and enjoy some quiet time). As we got to the point of putting on shoes and socks, Michael began insisting he didn’t want to go. We both tried to talk to him about it and he got more and more upset. He said he only wanted to go to the birthday party, and eventually ended up running up to his room crying and slamming the door.
Bob was very upset and disappointed by the turn of events, but I was, as usual, torn. Do we force him to go to something that is technically supposed to be a fun event for him because Bob really wants to ride in the helicopter? We know he will probably have a great time once he is there, but what if he is kicking and screaming the whole time and it just ruins everyone’s day, including sabotaging the birthday party later, which would disappoint his friend? Do we need to insist on obedience or respect his wishes?
After a few minutes, I went up to Michael’s bedroom to talk with him. I was able to explain that his dad really liked flying in the helicopter and that it normally costs a lot of money to do that, so this is a special opportunity and it would make him really happy. Michael mentioned being worried about missing the birthday party, so I went over the time frames again, that the flight party ended at 3:00 and the birthday party wasn’t starting until 5:00, so we would have plenty of time and wouldn’t miss any of it. I then asked him if he thought he could go and he agreed.
We went down and told daddy of the change of heart, and they went off to the event. Bob was still a bit depressed over the whole exchange, and I commiserated that I know it’s hard but encouraged him not to try to discuss the matter any further and risk putting a damper on the rest of the day. I got a phone call a couple of hours later that they had actually flown over our house and that Michael was getting ready to go up a climbing wall of some sort. It sounded like they are having a great time, and I’m glad.
So, would you have just made him go in the first place, or if he protested even after clearing up the concerns about the timing of the events? Is it okay for him to say no, thank you to an event like this, even if it hurts his dad? How do I help dad deal with the suckiness of the autism parenting experience (b/c I go through it too but much more often in the course of a day, so am a tiny bit more immune)?
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Tags: birthday parties, helicopter rides, meltdowns, Young Eagles
These situations can be so hard, and (at least in our house) seem to bring home full-force the whole spectrum of what we all deal with. We, too, have done the whole battle of wills over something that we’d planned to do, were looking forward to doing, and then someone changed their mind.
In answer to the question of whether I would have made him or go or not, it would likely have depended on a variety of factors – what other “triggers” would be present to potentially upset him, what else was on the agenda, how far it was to get there, what amount of reserves did we have as parents to get through the activity, etc. We tend to operate a lot by the “it’ll be a game time decision” mentality ’round here.
Hope that helps … like I said, these things aren’t easy. (((hugs)))
you did the right thing !
Actually I am going to try and remember this myself
you did the right thing !
Actually I am going to try and remember this myself
One added wrinkle we come across a lot. Something my son has really wanted to do for weeks but then “at game time” he decides that he is not going, period. In these situations we try to convince him to go because we know that tomorrow there will be a lot of upset because he missed it!
Like right now. He planned on digging fossils right after a morning event he had yesterday with his Mom. He forgot about it until he woke up this morning…then requisite explosion. But he and Mom are out now digging and he has settled.
MJ´s last blog post..Fireproofing the Family, Part 2
One added wrinkle we come across a lot. Something my son has really wanted to do for weeks but then “at game time” he decides that he is not going, period. In these situations we try to convince him to go because we know that tomorrow there will be a lot of upset because he missed it!
Like right now. He planned on digging fossils right after a morning event he had yesterday with his Mom. He forgot about it until he woke up this morning…then requisite explosion. But he and Mom are out now digging and he has settled.
MJ´s last blog post..Fireproofing the Family, Part 2
Really great post. Thank you for sharing with us. It actually happens to some degree in our house and just reading how you and Bob dealt with it gives me a lot of “food” for thought. Really good stuff. You need to teach a parenting class. You are a wealth of knowledge and experience!
Livin’´s last blog post..You Can Tell I Have Come A Long Way…
Really great post. Thank you for sharing with us. It actually happens to some degree in our house and just reading how you and Bob dealt with it gives me a lot of “food” for thought. Really good stuff. You need to teach a parenting class. You are a wealth of knowledge and experience!
Livin’´s last blog post..You Can Tell I Have Come A Long Way…
What struck me was what a soft heart Michael had when he understood what was happening! I, too, struggle with my own kids over respecting what they want or just making them obey….and, I can also relate to how Bob sort of had the wind sucked out of his sails a bit. I think sometimes (and, I certainly can’t speak for you or anyone else) I have this sort of storybook picture of how I think things should be in situations like this. You know like a Hallmark commercial? Then, the kids act like…..ummmmm…..kids? It can be a huge disappointment! I guess a healthy dose of flexibility and prayer will help overcome that!
I think you handled yourself wonderfully!!
melissa´s last blog post..Anyone Else’s Weekend Fly By?
What struck me was what a soft heart Michael had when he understood what was happening! I, too, struggle with my own kids over respecting what they want or just making them obey….and, I can also relate to how Bob sort of had the wind sucked out of his sails a bit. I think sometimes (and, I certainly can’t speak for you or anyone else) I have this sort of storybook picture of how I think things should be in situations like this. You know like a Hallmark commercial? Then, the kids act like…..ummmmm…..kids? It can be a huge disappointment! I guess a healthy dose of flexibility and prayer will help overcome that!
I think you handled yourself wonderfully!!
melissa´s last blog post..Anyone Else’s Weekend Fly By?
You did great honey *hugs*
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog post..Home
You did great honey *hugs*
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog post..Home
This is a great topic. I know we can’t usually plan to do more than one “event” on any given day b/c of overstimulation but we have tried occasionally for something special like that. Even with good planning sometimes things don’t go as smoothly as we’d like and I’ll admit it sucks when we are looking forward to a particular fun event only to have it go downhill in a hurry
. I think it’s great that Michael was able to explain why he didn’t want to go, and that you were able to reassure him about the timing. And how sweet that he understood how much it meant to his dad once you explained it to him – that’s just awesome. I think you handled it really well!
This is a great topic. I know we can’t usually plan to do more than one “event” on any given day b/c of overstimulation but we have tried occasionally for something special like that. Even with good planning sometimes things don’t go as smoothly as we’d like and I’ll admit it sucks when we are looking forward to a particular fun event only to have it go downhill in a hurry
. I think it’s great that Michael was able to explain why he didn’t want to go, and that you were able to reassure him about the timing. And how sweet that he understood how much it meant to his dad once you explained it to him – that’s just awesome. I think you handled it really well!