I have what some people might consider to be an inordinate need for alone time, and by this I mean being alone for significant periods of time with no one wanting or needing my attention or help.
Simply going into a room and shutting the door does not lift the weight of the possibility that I will be called upon at any moment, or even just disturbed by other activities going on in the house. To truly relax, I need to be completely alone.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t love my husband and son and want to spend time interacting and taking care of them, because I most certainly do (even though it might not appear that way when I am feeling in need of some solitude).
And I don’t believe it is because I have a child with special needs, although that does add its own challenges to the mix. I have always been this way, spending a lot of time alone reading and thinking, and although I enjoy having friends and being involved in various endeavors, my threshold for social interaction seems to be lower than for many people I have observed.
This might seem like an insignificant desire to many people, and it is certainly not something that is a visible need such as food, clothing or shelter. But having the opportunity for alone time withheld is as painful to me as being quarantined would be to a person on the other end of the socializing spectrum.
I am extremely fortunate that my husband is so accepting and supportive of me in every way, including recognizing this need and helping to provide ways for me to have it met.
- For instance, he works full-time and I work a part-time job which allows me an hour or two of uninterrupted time almost every weekday. When I tried to increase my hours about a year ago, I realized after only a few weeks that I wasn’t handling things as well and needed to go back to my original schedule.
- At some point each week, he will usually take Michael out of the house for a few hours to run errands or do something fun. This doesn’t always work out due to schedules or how Michael is doing, but he makes a point to try.
- Occasionally, he will even take Michael on a road trip, usually to visit his parents a couple of hours away. This used to be once or twice a year but has been almost monthly over the last year, as my mother-in-law has Alzeheimer’s and Bob wants to spend time with her and also give my father-in-law a break of his own.
In fact, as I write this, I am sitting in a quiet house, enjoying the knowledge that I can make my own schedule for the entire day and sleep without being awakened by middle of the night bathroom trips or early morning cartoons. It is truly a blessing to me and one of the best gifts I could ever get.
I’m curious if you have ever thought about what you need to relax or recharge. It may be completely different from what I need, but that’s okay.
I think the most important thing is to figure out what you need and then accept it without feeling guilty. Guilt about needing time away from everyone kept me from taking full advantage of the opportunities I had for many years, and freeing myself to simply accept the gift I was being given has been a wonderful thing.
So, what do *you* need?
I'm a mom with Asperger's raising an amazing son with autism, which means I'm basically the case manager/advocate/cheerleader/chauffeur. The rest of the time, you can usually find me with my nose in a book!
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m with you on this one. I absolutely NEED alone time too, and I’ve always been like that.
Glad to hear I’m not the only one!!
I can appreciate this post. I have a need to create in some way or I feel like I’m wilting away. Socially, I differ a little bit as far as needing complete solitude, but groups larger then 4
people are definitely not for me. I’ve never been a fan of large girl’s nights, crowds or big parties. I am most at peace in my own home with just my family, always. That’s awesome that you know what you need to be the best you and that your hubby supports and encourages that.
I just saw your most recent set of pictures of the fabric store and thought, oh I could imagine feeling the same way about an amazing bookstore! It’s really neat to get a glimpse into other people’s passions.
I totally understand what you say. We don’t have children, are fairly independent. As of the last year, we no longer have parents dependent on us. My husband’s parents needed a lot of caring for and they were a four hour drive away. Let’s just say his three sisters,living in the same town as his parents were totally useless.
He just retired and I am finding it hard to have someone under my feet asking questions all the time. I am lucky that he is very active and is gone doing his own hobbies.
I so need my own time!!!
I’m sure retirement is a big adjustment for both of you, especially as very independent people! Re my in-laws, my sister-in-law lives very near to them and is hugely involved in their lives, which is a tremendous blessing. Both my husband and his brother travel down quite frequently however.
This post really resonated with me, because I am very much the same way. I *need* my alone time each day – not running errands or cleaning the house, but alone time to think and be still. With three kids, those moments have become few and far between (especially with my son’s escalating issues). My bathroom is my sanctuary. At the end of the day, a hot tub and a bottle of beer helps a lot!
I’m glad to hear there is at least one place you can escape to!! So sorry to hear that things are stressful with your son right now – I hope that you are able to find some answers as to how to best help him.
Wow. I am sitting here at my desk, giving Daniel a break from lessons because I’M the one who needs the break and as much as I enjoy my little guy, he’s been extra clingy and I want to lock myself away somewhere, be all by myself and not feel like I’m mean or horrible or crazy for needing to get away. I guess I’m not over the guilt thing…
I felt horribly guilty the first few times my husband and son went away, even if it was only for a few hours. This has definitely been a journey for me to get to the place of not feeling that way about it, but I’m glad to have gotten here.
You’re most definitely not alone here. I need my alone time too. My husband hates to be alone and doesn’t understand it, but he is supportive of it.
It’s so great to have a supportive spouse, especially when they don’t quite get why you are the way you are!
Wow… I just so happened to fall upon this blog by accident and I am glad I did. I have recently started my own blog and well basically it is my journey to find my passion and be happier and one of the things I am realizing is… I do need alone time. I love my children and the fact that my son has Aspergers too does add more stress but this is, like you said not because of his special needs. I fact I feel like that because of him I am learning the secrets to happiness. Thanks for posting this. I will be logging on to see what else you have to say.
So glad you commented, Sharon. It sounds like you are on a great journey of your own!