In So Many Words

Ah, a blank page.

Sometimes a good thing, at other times not so good.

No matter how many times I think it doesn’t really matter if I write down all the thoughts swirling through my head, I just can’t let go of the idea that it is important to do it. Things I read spark connections and ideas that I want to delve into, but then I get sidetracked by daily life and forget about them.

This weekend I attended an open house for some friends who just moved into their first home. They are also very close to becoming foster parents, and it was wonderful to see how God has blessed them with a place of their own.

Anyway, being the bookworm that I am, I was looking through the bookshelf in their living room and found a few interesting-looking books about writing. I asked to borrow one with the intriguing title of The Right to Write by Julia Cameron.

All I have read so far is the introduction, and I’m already hooked. Read this paragraph answering the question “Why should we write?” and you will see why:

We should write because it is human nature to write. Writing claims our world. It makes it directly and specifically our own. We should write because humans are spiritual beings and writing is a powerful form of prayer and meditation, connecting us both to our own insights and to a higher and deeper level of inner guidance as well.

That just about leaves me speechless at the moment, so the swirling thoughts will have to wait until tomorrow and for the next blank page.

On an unrelated note, please offer a thought or prayer for my friend L, whose mother-in-law passed away yesterday.

On every personality test that’s out there, I come up solidly in the thinker/detail-oriented/analytical/fact-finding quadrant. This has its good points, but can also have a down side.

One of the things I have to remember is that not everyone is as focused on the little details all being correct and that I need to think before I speak when responding to people, especially at work. I have to frequently remind myself to step back and look at the big picture – is this specific thing that is bothering me really important in the grand scheme of things? And isn’t the way I address the situation just as important as getting it fixed?

Another difficulty that comes up quite a lot for me is an inability to make a decision and be happy with it. Part of being an analytical person is feeling that there must be one right decision and if you have all the pertinent facts, it will be an obvious one. That can lead me to continuing to gather data well past the point where I should be choosing my path and moving forward.

Because this issue has begun to interfere with my life in various ways, including one of my new responsibilities at work, I have decided to focus on this area for a while and see if I can make a change. I am starting a list of the things I do that are outside my comfort zone in this area so that I can see my progress.

First on the list would be writing this post in less than 10 minutes and publishing it without any extra work (notice I didn’t go find out the names of the different personality test and what their specific tags are for my personality type).

My next item is to go hand in the first part of my SEO project without checking over the results one more time (trust me, I have already analyzed it to death and your guess is as good as mine as to whether my final choices will work out the way I want).

Anyone out there like me? Or is everyone else a big picture person already?

[This is where there should be an eye-catching, relevant image. Alas, I do not have one, but I'm posting this anyway. I hope you'll read it despite the lack of appealing blogginess.]

A friend and I were talking recently about how old hurts and insecurities can pop up when we least expect them, even when we thought we had worked through them and moved on. As I was pondering this conversation later, I realized that I have fallen into an old pattern of reacting to difficult situations in my life by withdrawing from those around me.

Looking back over the life of this blog, I can see that I started out just sharing my heart. I have always tried to keep things positive, in the sense of not speaking badly about other people or spouting off about everything like some of the bloggers I have encountered along the way (not you, of course, but they are out there!). But somewhere along the way, I think I have gone too far the other way, using my desire to not be perceived as a whiner to justify not sharing what was really going on with me until I have gotten through it and can package it all up nicely.

I did this when my son was born three weeks early and had some complications. Instead of just telling those close to me what was happening and letting them help us, I instinctively pulled in and tried not to let anyone know what we were dealing with. The fact that I was dealing with severe postpartum depression only made it harder to reach out as time went on.

My son’s autism diagnosis at 33 months was a real kick in the pants, and I have become a much stronger and more open person since then, but I think the difference is that it is for him. I can make myself do things on his behalf that I wouldn’t do for myself.

So I don’t have any grand conclusions to tie this all together, but just wanted to say that I am not going to be so worried about what image I am presenting here. There may be whining and there may be more questions than answers, but that’s the only way it’s going to be worth continuing to post anything at all.

It was recently suggested to me that I make a lot of my decisions out of fear, so this quote from Norman Vincent Peale caught my eye when I saw it the other day:

Fear can infect us early in life until eventually it cuts a deep groove of apprehension in all of our thinking. To counteract it, let faith, hope, and courage enter your thinking. Fear is strong, but faith is stronger yet.

One of my biggest motivators has probably been the fear of looking stupid. Ironic, because I am actually fairly intelligent. I remember my mother telling me, “For someone so smart, you sure are dumb!” when I couldn’t find something she sent me to look for in her bedroom. I think a lot of my unrealistic expectations for myself and others come out of the lack of guidance in my childhood.

For instance, if something doesn’t come easily to me, I can get very embarrassed or upset and will often avoid that activity. This come partly from the fear of looking dumb, but also from believing that I *should* be able to catch onto things quickly. That feeling of “it shouldn’t be this difficult” also leaves me wide open for getting easily frustrated with others when they aren’t able to do something or don’t respond the way I think they should.

I am learning that it is best to be straightforward about what you know and don’t know, what you can do and can’t do (yet), and that to just view that as looking at the facts, rather than as being a shameful thing. Even as I write this, I am thinking to myself, “Why even bother saying this? I’m sure everyone else already knows this and you are the only one who doesn’t get it.” But I’m saying it anyway because then I can hopefully move on from here to a better place in my thinking.

This is the first time I have participated in the Thankful Thursday meme. I tend to spend a lot of time worrying about what is going wrong or could go wrong and focus too much on everything I need to do to keep all the plates spinning, and I want to balance it out with thoughts of what I am thankful for in my life.

So, here goes….

I am thankful that my son, at age seven and getting ready for first grade, is enjoying the Preschool VBS at our church. He wasn’t able to go when he was in preschool and was overwhelmed by the elementary VBS earlier this summer, so it is a real blessing to see him enjoying himself and being successful at this one!

I am also extremely thankful for the wonderful, godly mama who is watching my son this summer while I am at work. It brings tears to my eyes to think of how much she has blessed both me and Michael through her willingness to love him and accept him as he is.

I am thankful for a boss who is flexible and understanding of the situations that arise when parenting a child with special needs, including but not limited to taking time off for IEP meetings and doctor’s appointments and rearranging my schedule when his placement changes or when transportation doesn’t show up at the right time or place, etc.

I am thankful for friends who are willing to listen to all my tales of woe, and who are just as willing to go watch a movie or sit and laugh together when that’s what we need.

What are you thankful for today?

Lately I have been drawn more and more to blogs about how we can live our lives more simply and purposefully. I have been taking baby steps in that direction and am finding a lot of inspiration from sites like these.

Here are a few links I thought may be of greater interest to others:

• How I Meditate – Examen from Darren Rowse

– a discussion of a practical Christian method of meditation

• What Does This Make Possible? from Michael Hyatt

– the question to ask when something negative happens in your life

• A Definition of Clutter from Becoming Minimalist

– a good way to determine what should stay and what should go

• Using Aromas To Lift Our Moods from Simple Mom

– tips for beginners on how to use natural aromas throughout the day

Enjoy!

I recently had the pleasure of attending the Mother to Mother Luncheon, a wonderful event organized for moms of children with autism by a local group of moms with children on the spectrum, led by Elyse Cook (my friend and fellow ASD HOPE board member).

The luncheon was put together with the dual purpose of giving the 130 moms who came a great time eating and talking together while being waited on (for a change!) as well the chance to be encouraged in their faith. Many moms who are believers find themselves struggling to figure out how autism and God fit together, and the topic is not often addressed or discussed in other forums.

When the first luncheon was held in 2007, the speaker was Kathleen Deyer Bolduc, author of His Name Is Joel: Searching for God in a Son’s Disability. She shared eloquently about her challenges in accepting her son’s disability and reconciling her feelings with her faith in God.

This year, we were blessed to hear a talk by Ginger Taylor, a strong Christian and formidable autism mom who also happens to be a blogger

Ginger spoke on Priceless Perspectives in Autism Parenting, and I was so glad when she posted her notes on her Daily Discernment blog because I had said several times when telling people about the luncheon that I wished I could go back over some of the things she said that really blessed and challenged me.

I’m still processing some of it and haven’t had a chance to write down my thoughts in any detail, but I would encourage you to visit when you have a few minutes to read through her notes.

Photo by madmoiselle lavender❤.

I just spent two hours working from home because my son has a doctor’s appt this afternoon and I will be going in late.  I can’t tell you good it felt to be making some inroads on the pile of stuff needing to be done.  Most of my work time right now is being spent on a new project that has me completely lost and feeling worthless, but after having a total meltdown at work on Friday, I decided to switch my focus until I can get my equilibrium back and hopefully get the direction I need from the powers that be.

I have been feeling lately like I just want off the treadmill, that there must be some way to make my life not be so stressful all the time.  But I know that really the feelings of stress come from within me.  Sometimes I feel energized by everything I need to do, and excited about diving into new or difficult challenges, and other times I get teary-eyed just thinking about having to start a hard project that’s on my list.

Case in point, we have an upcoming IEP meeting.  The team of people at my son’s elementary school is very supportive of him and willing to listen to what I have to say, and I pretty much know what I want to happen, but just getting it all together in one clear, concise list is proving very difficult for me.  A friend and I sat down and went through my notes, and she even studied them herself and emailed me her thoughts (a huge help!), but lately when I start thinking about the future, I get a little panicky about all the things that could go wrong.

My biggest issue with school is my frustration with the inconsistent follow-through across settings, largely caused by the (I don’t want to say lack, because they do try) need for more support and education of the various teachers.  I have lots of ideas to be proactive and do what I can do to help, but all the other pressures of life keep squeezing in and then I am up against the gun and not ready.

It’s the same thing with blogging; I get lots of ideas but then if I don’t get them down on paper right away, I have trouble recreating them later.  Maybe I need to get one of those mini recorders, although I tend to ramble (have you noticed?) and it would take forever to listen to everything I thought was important and insightful at the time.

Things aren’t all bad, by any means.  On Saturday, I had the privilege of attending a women’s luncheon for autism moms at a local church.  It was a wonderful event, and the speaker was a fellow blogger, which was pretty cool.  Her name is Ginger Taylor, and she blogs at Adventures in Autism.  She really shared her heart with us, and it gave me a lot of food for thought.  I wish we had taped it so I could hear it again; there were so many things I’m sure I didn’t completely get the first time.

The whole afternoon was such a blessing and was made even better by the fact that my husband had taken my son away for the weekend, giving me some much needed quiet time.  What a great guy!

I have been feeling lately like I am fighting depression, which is an especially scary thing if you know how deeply this has affected me in the past.  I hate the feeling of being aware of it hovering in the air, almost waiting to descend upon me if I am not vigilant to hold it at bay.  I was expecting to feel this way around the holidays but I didn’t this year, so having it come in January was a bit of a surprise (guess I thought I was completely over it).

Anyway, I am finding that even with the level of anxiety and stress I am feeling, I am still have more energy and motivation than I usually do when I am struggling.  I have been able to do a load of laundry each day for the last few days, as well as catch up on the dishes and make meals (albeit simple ones) for my family.  I have been able to finish up a few writing projects to which I had committed and I was able to pull together and prepare for a team meeting at school.  Even the desire to do those things has often been lacking in my life, let alone the ability to actually follow through on them.

Today I spent the entire time I was at work following up on and responding to emails from the person who took over for my coworker out in Wisconsin who had her twins a week and a half ago. (For those who haven’t heard this in some other forum where I hang out, they were 14 weeks early and one of them didn’t make it.)  So I completely understand that the other person was not at all ready to step into her shoes, but I have to admit it was a bit tiring today.  Tomorrow I am going to have to focus on a couple of other priorities and limit my time with her stuff to about half, if I can.

Tonight I need to do a couple of things still for ASD HOPE, so I’d better get to it.  I think I may have to break down and purchase Microsoft Office soon, or at least Microsoft Word.  Since I got my laptop, I have just been using Open Office, which is free, but I am finding that there are a few things I do where OO just won’t cut it due to formatting issues.

Thanks to everyone who has been sticking around while I whine and complain about my life.  I really do have a positive side; it’s just that sometimes I have to get it all out to have any hope of moving on.  One neat thing – as of today, I have officially been blogging for one year.  I started Another Piece of the Puzzle on January 26, 2008.

This week has been going okay so far, by which I mean I haven’t completely fallen apart.  I met a friend Monday evening and it was really good to talk with her and share what each of us is going through right now, although Michael was very upset that I was leaving.  Last night, I spent an hour at the scrapbooking project; it was really neat to see that the lady I am helping did several pages on her own during the last week!  And even when I had to leave, she continued to work with the group on her own.

The special ed meeting I attended last night was very informative, as the director was talking about changes to the IEP format.  I am a bit apprehensive because the team can no longer check the special considerations box for behavior unless they include an FBA and positive behavior plan in the IEP.  Previously, we could check it with a behavior goal included.  I am afraid my team will not want to do this, even though he clearly has behavioral issues.  But that’s a fight for a later date.

Today in our team meeting, we talked about providing more support to the general ed teachers, giving Michael a LOT more positive reinforcement than is usually given, and some other smaller ideas to help smooth things out a bit.  I’ll probably write it up in more detail for 5MFSN, but overall I was happy with the meeting.

I do still have a few things to write hanging over my head, but I have said no to three things in the last week, so I am getting better at it!  It will be so nice when I finish up these commitments and can breathe a little bit again.

So tonight I am on my own with Michael, as Bob has a church commitment each Thursday, and then I have two must do’s on my list.  After that, I am going to bed early and hopefully Michael will sleep through the night (not sure why he has been waking up lately, but I am so ready for it to stop!).  I don’t like feeling jittery and on edge.