In So Many Words

I have been so encouraged by everyone’s comments on the topic of knowing your limits – both that I’m on the right track and that I’m not alone in the journey.

Barbara from TherExtras brought up a really great point in her comment:

I relate to having learned and accepted my limits for helping people through therapy. People are still surprised, and resistive, when they are told the work must be done by them, the change must happen within themselves or their lifestyle, for themselves or their children.

How true that is – there is no magic pill, even though medication and therapy can help you get to the place where you can make the necessary changes in your attitude and your actions. I have had a few glimpses of what it is like to feel good about your life and the way you are interacting with the world, and it is a little more disheartening each time those feelings start to go away.

So now, instead of letting myself be swept along by emotions and circumstances or berating myself for not handling everything I think I should without a hitch, I’ve decided to apply my analytical, researching nature to dealing with it.

I found a good article at HelpGuide.org called Dealing with Depression: Self-Help and Coping Tips. While at first glance, it contains a somewhat overwhelming number of practical tips and steps you can take to make your way toward recovery, I was encouraged by this advice:

The key to depression recovery is to start with a few small goals and slowly build from there. . . . Take things day by day and reward yourself for each accomplishment. The steps may seem small, but if you make time for them each day, they’ll quickly add up.

So, that’s good, right? I don’t have to tackle it all at once, and I can be proud of each step along the way. But I still didn’t know where to start.

I have “tried” (in quotes because none of these were consciously chosen coping strategies but in reality that’s what they were) getting involved in everything that comes my way to stay busy, hyperfocusing on advocating for Michael until the team was probably tired of hearing from me, organizing and re-organizing my schedule and house, and even going the other way and retreating into reading and watching TV.

Obviously, none of these things have worked.

One of the many links offered at the end of the HelpGuide article led me to A Case of Catch-22 at Psychology Today. This article addresses a key issue in the treatment of depression – that the very “things a person needs to do to get well are the very things the illness makes it difficult for any person to do. Resistance is intrinsic to the condition, making recovery an extraordinary challenge that typically takes a long time.”

I can definitely relate to that, and to much else of what was said in the article. One part that really caught my eye, however, was the advice given by one of the doctors quoted, who gave his recommendation of how to proceed:

[He] recommends that patients prioritize. “Think in terms of a hierarchy moving from the physical to the mental to the interpersonal. Start with sleeping and eating. Then add activity; start with a 10-minute walk. Tackle the cognitive and interpersonal stuff later.”

So, okay. This is what I needed – a plan. A plan that I didn’t have to come up with myself and therefore don’t have to second guess again and again.

Now I just have to follow it. First goal – get eight hours of sleep every night.

UPDATE: I have since found a great site on Understanding Depression at EverydayHealth.com. It has a wide variety of resources on everything from mild or seasonal depression to major depressive disorder. I was so impressed with this site and the quality of the information that I accepted them as a sponsor for this blog.

As I was spending some time online the other day reading about various aspects of depression and anxiety, I took a break to check my GReader and what did I see but Janice at 5 Minutes for Mom talking about her own experience with those issues. It’s amazing how many people struggle with some form of these disorders, myself included.

For those who commented on yesterday’s post about taking Michael to a psychologist, I am going to follow up on it soon, but in the meantime I wanted to talk a bit about a recent therapy session of my own. I have been seeing this particular therapist for several months, but hadn’t been in for a few weeks, mainly due to the busyness of the holidays.

When he asked how things were going, I had plenty of things I could talk to him about that either had already happened or that I was anticipating coming up in the near future. But I have been feeling a bit like a hamster on a wheel and afraid that, if I can’t keep going fast enough, there will be a horrible crash at some point. I really needed more than to talk through one or two specific situations.

So I asked him if he could tell me what I needed to do to get to the point where my moods would not be so driven by circumstances and other people’s words and actions, where I could just be me and have control over myself, even when things may be out of control.

His response was fairly simple — Know your limits, and accept them.

As he put it, some people don’t know what their limits are and so they just keep taking on whatever comes their way without even realizing that it is more than they should expect from themselves. The first step is to become aware of your own limitations in terms of energy, time, resources and ability.

That’s hard enough, but then comes the even trickier part – accepting your limits.

Some people can see their limits but refuse to accept them. So they will keep shouldering more commitments and responsibilities even though they know it will add too much stress to their lives. It’s not enough to know your limits, you have to accept them – even when that means becoming your own advocate with others who want you to perform for them.

That was a surprisingly new concept for me, that I need to advocate for myself just as much as I advocate for Michael.

It really comes down to examining each thing that comes your way and identifying what control you have over it and whose responsibility it is. If it’s someone else’s responsibility, all you can do is pass it on to them and let it go. If it’s your responsibility, you need to decide if it’s within your limits to take care of right now. If that’s not possible, the next step is to figure out when you could do it or get someone else to handle it.

I’m just starting to think through all of this, so I’m probably not repeating it exactly right or in a very eloquent manner, but I can definitely see how it gives me the control that has been so easily given away to other people and circumstances in my life.

What do you think about his answer? Do you know your limits? Have you accepted them?

First of all, to break down the title, “healing prayer” in this case refers to inner healing, not physical, and “on the go” refers to in my car on the way to work this morning.

I have been feeling tired. I get so frustrated that I am still dealing with depression, even after years of medication and therapy and prayer. I am just tired of being sad.

Don’t get me wrong, there has been progress made – significant progress. I don’t feel like this ALL the time, and I have more energy than ever before, but it is still a struggle every day.

So I was asking the Lord this morning to tell me what is holding me back and I immediately heard the words “worthlessness” and feeling like I am “not good enough”. The next thing I thought of is how I am always saying “I should…”

I place so many expectations on myself, and many of them aren’t even realistic. I get down on myself for not picking up new skills immediately or for not knowing how to handle a social situation gracefully or for not being enthusiastic about playing with Michael every time he asks. The biggest one is that I tell myself I should be better by now because of how long it has been – ironic, because that’s what keeps me from asking for more help when I most need it.

So, the next step in the process is to ask where this came from, where did it start. The memory that popped into my head was of being a few weeks into first grade and being tested by the school psychologist (or someone like that) before being skipped to second grade. I vividly remember watching her draw a picture of five apples and then her amazement that I could tell her how many there were without looking at the picture. I told her, “But I watched you draw them.”

I still don’t think that is necessarily an impressive thing for a six year old to do, but the memory has always stuck with me.

Anyway, I find it interesting that the memory I saw was of being praised, not of being criticized (because I certainly have those memories as well!). I feel like it’s the combination of being praised when I could do something well and being scolded or simply overlooked when I didn’t rise to the top that I interpreted to mean I needed to do things well and learn them quickly to be worthwhile.

There’s more to the process, but that’s as far as I got this morning, and on the way home from work I was too distracted by the three separate people who pulled out in front of me and starting to wonder if I was perhaps invisible.

This post was written for Steady Mom’s 30-Minute Blog Challenge. I wrote most of it in 15 minutes just before I started work and spent another 10 minutes finishing it just now.

I have been feeling lately like I am fighting depression, which is an especially scary thing if you know how deeply this has affected me in the past.  I hate the feeling of being aware of it hovering in the air, almost waiting to descend upon me if I am not vigilant to hold it at bay.  I was expecting to feel this way around the holidays but I didn’t this year, so having it come in January was a bit of a surprise (guess I thought I was completely over it).

Anyway, I am finding that even with the level of anxiety and stress I am feeling, I am still have more energy and motivation than I usually do when I am struggling.  I have been able to do a load of laundry each day for the last few days, as well as catch up on the dishes and make meals (albeit simple ones) for my family.  I have been able to finish up a few writing projects to which I had committed and I was able to pull together and prepare for a team meeting at school.  Even the desire to do those things has often been lacking in my life, let alone the ability to actually follow through on them.

Today I spent the entire time I was at work following up on and responding to emails from the person who took over for my coworker out in Wisconsin who had her twins a week and a half ago. (For those who haven’t heard this in some other forum where I hang out, they were 14 weeks early and one of them didn’t make it.)  So I completely understand that the other person was not at all ready to step into her shoes, but I have to admit it was a bit tiring today.  Tomorrow I am going to have to focus on a couple of other priorities and limit my time with her stuff to about half, if I can.

Tonight I need to do a couple of things still for ASD HOPE, so I’d better get to it.  I think I may have to break down and purchase Microsoft Office soon, or at least Microsoft Word.  Since I got my laptop, I have just been using Open Office, which is free, but I am finding that there are a few things I do where OO just won’t cut it due to formatting issues.

Thanks to everyone who has been sticking around while I whine and complain about my life.  I really do have a positive side; it’s just that sometimes I have to get it all out to have any hope of moving on.  One neat thing – as of today, I have officially been blogging for one year.  I started Another Piece of the Puzzle on January 26, 2008.

This week has been going okay so far, by which I mean I haven’t completely fallen apart.  I met a friend Monday evening and it was really good to talk with her and share what each of us is going through right now, although Michael was very upset that I was leaving.  Last night, I spent an hour at the scrapbooking project; it was really neat to see that the lady I am helping did several pages on her own during the last week!  And even when I had to leave, she continued to work with the group on her own.

The special ed meeting I attended last night was very informative, as the director was talking about changes to the IEP format.  I am a bit apprehensive because the team can no longer check the special considerations box for behavior unless they include an FBA and positive behavior plan in the IEP.  Previously, we could check it with a behavior goal included.  I am afraid my team will not want to do this, even though he clearly has behavioral issues.  But that’s a fight for a later date.

Today in our team meeting, we talked about providing more support to the general ed teachers, giving Michael a LOT more positive reinforcement than is usually given, and some other smaller ideas to help smooth things out a bit.  I’ll probably write it up in more detail for 5MFSN, but overall I was happy with the meeting.

I do still have a few things to write hanging over my head, but I have said no to three things in the last week, so I am getting better at it!  It will be so nice when I finish up these commitments and can breathe a little bit again.

So tonight I am on my own with Michael, as Bob has a church commitment each Thursday, and then I have two must do’s on my list.  After that, I am going to bed early and hopefully Michael will sleep through the night (not sure why he has been waking up lately, but I am so ready for it to stop!).  I don’t like feeling jittery and on edge.