In So Many Words

Last Saturday, my pastor was speaking about how God wants to bring renewal to those places in our lives where we “had hoped” in the past but were now feeling hopeless. One of the things he shared that really caught my attention was the difference between expectations and expectancy.

Basically, the idea is that when you put expectations on God to do a specific thing in a certain time or way, you will lose hope when you are disappointed by things not happening the way you think they should. ‘Cause you know – He doesn’t always do things the way WE think He should.  Expectancy, on the other hand, is trust in God Himself, not in a particular event or outcome.

Just last week, I was thinking about the prayer, “Not my will but thine be done,” and realizing that many times when I pray, I am asking God for what I want to happen in the various areas of my life. Basically, I am placing expectations on Him and then judging Him based on whether He does those things. If I instead pray that God’s will be done, the only expectation I am putting on Him is to respond in some way to my prayer.

There is a song on the Christian radio station right now that always gets to me. I am usually crying after just the first few lines (and not it a good way) because it reflects the pain I have been going through and the feelings of disappointment I have been having. But recently I was able to listen past those opening lines and heard yet again this message about God’s presence being what we need more so than for Him to do something on our behalf.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”

We have just celebrated Easter, a day synonymous with hope. No matter what struggles I am facing or confusing situations I am going through, underneath it all is the knowledge that God loves me and that I am His child.

We have also just come through a month in which Michael threw a chair at his teacher, on more than one occasion. The first time was the day before we went for his visit at Pfeiffer Treatment Center to do the testing needed for a customized supplement program designed to address any metabolic imbalances. I am still waiting for the results and hoping that this will make a difference.

This post title comes directly from my favorite quote. It is by Eustacia Cutler (Temple Grandin’s mother), who writes in her book Thorn in My Pocket:

It’s true, my dreams have changed, and I have changed too. In many ways, I am stronger and more purposeful than I ever was before. I am more compassionate and also more realistic. At times, I feel more angry and powerless than I could have ever imagined. I must admit I am still looking for the talisman, but I am also trying to do the best I can along the way.

I tend to vacillate widely in terms of hopefulness, sometimes even in the course of a day. My friend Elyse calls this the “cyclical suck,” which I think is a particularly appropriate term because, let’s face it, sometimes life really sucks. But then other times it’s wonderful and filled with promise and joy, and I never want to let myself forget that even when I am feeling full of complaining and whining or woe is me, there is always hope.