In So Many Words

[This is where there should be an eye-catching, relevant image. Alas, I do not have one, but I'm posting this anyway. I hope you'll read it despite the lack of appealing blogginess.]

A friend and I were talking recently about how old hurts and insecurities can pop up when we least expect them, even when we thought we had worked through them and moved on. As I was pondering this conversation later, I realized that I have fallen into an old pattern of reacting to difficult situations in my life by withdrawing from those around me.

Looking back over the life of this blog, I can see that I started out just sharing my heart. I have always tried to keep things positive, in the sense of not speaking badly about other people or spouting off about everything like some of the bloggers I have encountered along the way (not you, of course, but they are out there!). But somewhere along the way, I think I have gone too far the other way, using my desire to not be perceived as a whiner to justify not sharing what was really going on with me until I have gotten through it and can package it all up nicely.

I did this when my son was born three weeks early and had some complications. Instead of just telling those close to me what was happening and letting them help us, I instinctively pulled in and tried not to let anyone know what we were dealing with. The fact that I was dealing with severe postpartum depression only made it harder to reach out as time went on.

My son’s autism diagnosis at 33 months was a real kick in the pants, and I have become a much stronger and more open person since then, but I think the difference is that it is for him. I can make myself do things on his behalf that I wouldn’t do for myself.

So I don’t have any grand conclusions to tie this all together, but just wanted to say that I am not going to be so worried about what image I am presenting here. There may be whining and there may be more questions than answers, but that’s the only way it’s going to be worth continuing to post anything at all.