In So Many Words

I shared recently about how I had decided to start taking Michael to see a psychologist and promised an update on how it’s been going.

One of the original things that motivated me to take him was a concern over his levels of anxiety and his self-esteem. Whenever he would get frustrated about something or be sent for a timeout, he was constantly saying things like, “Everybody thinks I’m stupid” and “Nobody likes me,” usually at the top of his voice as he stormed off to his room.

After the psychologist met with me and then talked with Michael for a while, she felt that his feelings of low self-esteem weren’t pervasive and that it was more a function of him just coming out with something drastic when he was extremely frustrated, since he didn’t really know how to handle that much emotion. And, sure enough, within a month of so, he switched from yelling about how horrible he was to how horrible WE were, as is “I hate you” and “You are the worst parent ever!”

(At this point, I am ignoring the yelling as long as he is actually on his way to his room for some alone time – which is sometimes a mom-ordered timeout and sometimes a self-imposed break.)

I took him to meet with psychologist weekly for a while, and then she suggested having him join one of her playgroups, which each have up to 4 or 5 kids all close in age/functioning level. He started going to the Kindergarten-2nd grade group and enjoyed it at first – partly because he had started being aware that he was different from the other kids at school and wanted to meet these other kids I said were out there who “thought like him.”

After a while, though, the group was ready to move into a more free-form time, where the kids would negotiate what games or activities they would do together. Michael and one of the other children were having trouble with this and still needed to focus on the challenges of actually playing together, especially with non-preferred activities. So she split the group into two and continued providing a more structured environment for the one Michael now attends.

Over the past year, he has definitely shown some progress in his ability to control his whining, continue playing a game even when he thinks he might lose (in group and at school, that is, God forbid anyone should beat him in MarioKart Wii!) and allow another child to contribute to his imaginary play. The psychologist is actually talking now about having him go back to the other group once in a while and see how he does with it.

I still occasionally make individual appointments with her to discuss specific concerns I may have and for her to work with him one-on-one. Overall, it has been an extremely rewarding experience!

As I was spending some time online the other day reading about various aspects of depression and anxiety, I took a break to check my GReader and what did I see but Janice at 5 Minutes for Mom talking about her own experience with those issues. It’s amazing how many people struggle with some form of these disorders, myself included.

For those who commented on yesterday’s post about taking Michael to a psychologist, I am going to follow up on it soon, but in the meantime I wanted to talk a bit about a recent therapy session of my own. I have been seeing this particular therapist for several months, but hadn’t been in for a few weeks, mainly due to the busyness of the holidays.

When he asked how things were going, I had plenty of things I could talk to him about that either had already happened or that I was anticipating coming up in the near future. But I have been feeling a bit like a hamster on a wheel and afraid that, if I can’t keep going fast enough, there will be a horrible crash at some point. I really needed more than to talk through one or two specific situations.

So I asked him if he could tell me what I needed to do to get to the point where my moods would not be so driven by circumstances and other people’s words and actions, where I could just be me and have control over myself, even when things may be out of control.

His response was fairly simple — Know your limits, and accept them.

As he put it, some people don’t know what their limits are and so they just keep taking on whatever comes their way without even realizing that it is more than they should expect from themselves. The first step is to become aware of your own limitations in terms of energy, time, resources and ability.

That’s hard enough, but then comes the even trickier part – accepting your limits.

Some people can see their limits but refuse to accept them. So they will keep shouldering more commitments and responsibilities even though they know it will add too much stress to their lives. It’s not enough to know your limits, you have to accept them – even when that means becoming your own advocate with others who want you to perform for them.

That was a surprisingly new concept for me, that I need to advocate for myself just as much as I advocate for Michael.

It really comes down to examining each thing that comes your way and identifying what control you have over it and whose responsibility it is. If it’s someone else’s responsibility, all you can do is pass it on to them and let it go. If it’s your responsibility, you need to decide if it’s within your limits to take care of right now. If that’s not possible, the next step is to figure out when you could do it or get someone else to handle it.

I’m just starting to think through all of this, so I’m probably not repeating it exactly right or in a very eloquent manner, but I can definitely see how it gives me the control that has been so easily given away to other people and circumstances in my life.

What do you think about his answer? Do you know your limits? Have you accepted them?

Note: Since I recently republished the various articles I had written for Root & Sprout here on my blog, I decided to also share a post I had written about a year ago for Adopting the Older Child. I hope to follow this up next week with an update on how it has worked out so far.

I was recently asked by Dr. H to write for Adopting the Older Child about my decision to see a psychologist with regard to my son and am honored by the opportunity to share with you here. Although my son is not adopted, he is a child with special needs, having been diagnosed with autism shortly before his third birthday.

So what brought me to the decision to see a psychologist?

Well, over the last few years (he is almost seven now), I had pretty much given up on typical parenting books and advice because they didn’t seem to work with him. I had read extensively on the topic of autism and worked closely with all of his teachers and therapists to help him progress and to meet his needs, and we had seen some wonderful growth and development in him.

But I was starting to feel stuck. Sometimes things were great, and other times I couldn’t give the simplest direction without hearing lots of whining and arguments, often leading to total meltdowns. My son would also range from sobbing inconsolably to storming off to his room yelling that he was stupid and that nobody loved him.

I tried so many different ways of responding to him in an effort to figure out what would work, but that only seemed to create more confusion. I was also getting more and more worried about his high level of anxiety and his seemingly low self esteem. While I didn’t want to cause emotional damage, I also knew I had to get control of the situation before I had my own meltdown.

I had thought of seeking the help of a psychologist almost a year earlier but hadn’t followed up on it at the time. Now I was desperate ready, so I made an appointment with one of the people that had been recommended to me as an expert in the area of autism. She met with me alone first to discuss what I was seeing and feeling about my son and our situation, and then she started meeting with him once every week or two.

We were very lucky to find someone I really liked from the beginning, although I was willing to meet with more than one if she didn’t connect well with us. After a few months of going to her, I can say that this has been one of the best decisions I have made. My son is benefiting from having someone who can help him learn more about himself and how he relates to other people.

It has also been wonderful to have someone in our corner with more knowledge in this area to help me figure out what is going on and also suggest the best ways to handle it. She has given me several practical suggestions, including things like teaching expected behavior and finding a discipline technique that works for us.

Monday night, Michael had his first group therapy session with the psychologist. We arrived a few minutes late, but luckily the three other boys were still in the waiting room playing with Legos.

Michael was very excited to be meeting other boys who, in his words, “think like me and are my same age too.” Makes me wonder why we all push so hard for inclusion with typical peers all the time.

Now, I’m not saying anything against inclusion—we all live in this world and need to work together and help each other—I’m just saying it doesn’t seem like a bad thing to seek opportunities to be with people who are similar to you. After all, isn’t that what we all do? We visit different churches to find the one that fits our style; we try to find common ground with people we meet to see if they have the same views or background or even hobbies.

Ideally, he can begin to have these opportunities not just as part of a therapy session, but as part of his everyday life. That reminds me, I need to email the mom of the boy he met at the last ASA meeting to arrange a playdate.

As an update to my frustration with the increasing meltdowns, the psychologist suggested that I may actually need to keep a tighter rein on the schedule and freedoms at home and to make sure I am giving clear and immediate feedback on both good and bad behavior. I have been somewhat relaxed at home, thinking this will allow him to focus more when he is at school, but it appears to be backfiring on me.

Okay, I was looking around for a picture or cartoon that said “Gotcha!” but then I found this adorable picture titled, So you’re thinking of getting a pet duck? by tifotter. (Seriously, though, she does not recommend it; you can read her funny but true list of reasons why not to get a duck as a pet at Mr Flapper Duck.)

Okay, now back to my post.

No, we are not adopting an older child or getting a pet, at least not at the moment. Getting a Pet is the topic of today’s Try This Tuesday post over at 5MFSN, and, although we are talking about it, we are far from making a decision at this point.

And Adopting the Older Child is the name of a blog where I was recently asked to write about my decision to start taking Michael to a psychologist. The blog’s author often encourages her readers to seek the help of a therapist for both counseling and the practical advice they can provide during the adoption process and once the child is in their new home and family.

Even though we are not in an adoption situation, she thought our experience might be helpful to her readers, so she sent me an email and the rest is history. You can read my post here: Deciding to See a Psychologist. While you’re there, check out some of the great resources on this blog, such as:

• Adoption Experts: Who Is and Who Isn’t
• RAD vs. Attachment Difficulties
• Questions to Ask Once You’ve Identified a Child