In So Many Words

Boundaries
by Henry Cloud

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

About the Book

Is your life out of control? Do people take advantage of you? Do you have trouble saying no? Christians often focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limitations. Have you ever found yourself wondering:

• Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
• What are my legitimate boundaries?
• How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
• Why do I feel guilty when I consider setting boundaries?

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give you biblically based answers to these and other tough questions, showing you how to set healthy boundaries with parents, spouses, children, friends, coworkers, and even with yourself. You’ll see vital principles of boundaries at work as Drs. Cloud and Townsend take you through a day in the life of “Sherrie”—first as she lives with almost no boundaries, then as she begins to apply proper boundaries with others in her life.

My Thoughts

I have heard this book recommended at various times over the last several years, but just never picked it up until now. I ended up buying a copy a couple of Saturdays ago, and by Sunday evening had read 75% of it.

This is an amazing book that has given me so much to think about with regard to how I have lived my life to this point. I have been gradually learning a bit about what boundaries are and how to have them, but reading this book has propelled me to a new level of understanding myself and taking responsibility for my own actions and feelings while separating myself from the actions and feelings of others.

One statement that really struck me was that we are responsible to other people but not responsible for them. It’s not about living in a selfish or uncaring way, but about caring for others in a way that helps rather than harms them.

I underlined so many things in this book that I can’t begin to list them here, but I will say that I highly recommend this book to everyone. It is written from a Christian perspective and includes references to Bible verses, but I believe the concepts are universal in many ways.

Note: This is Book #93 of my 2011 Reads (master list here).

I can’t believe how fast this week has gone! My routines are still going good, but the miscellaneous tasks just keep piling up. I may be getting a couple of days on my own to try to catch up a bit soon, which would be wonderful, especially since I had a bit of a meltdown on Sunday evening thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done.

A friend of mine reminded me that I usually get pretty stressed out this time of year, what with IEP meetings coming up and getting summer plans in place. There are also a couple of big autism-related events coming up. Once we get past the next month, things should settle down a bit for me.

Another part of the problem is that I take so much on my shoulders – trying to keep the house together since I only work part-time, handling all the paperwork and bills, researching and advocating for Michael, managing everyone’s schedule – and I don’t take the time to share it with my husband so we can tackle things as a team.

I actually got to talking about this a bit for this week’s Try This Tuesday on Nurturing Your Relationships. (Pop on over to 5 Minutes for Special Needs for more about that topic.)

So my biggest goal for this week is to spend a few minutes each day talking with Bob about our schedules and our priorities so that we are on the same page with what’s going on and what needs to be done.

As for the rest of the list, I’ll do as much as I can!

My To Do List:

DAILY –

Morning routine.

Evening routine.

Blogging routine.

WEEKLY –

Go through ASD HOPE pending items.

Check for library books that are due or on hold.

Check alternate email accounts.

Catch up on filing.

BLOGGING -

Update links on the rest of the posts imported from Blogger. UPDATE: I can’t believe I finally got this done!!

Research blog backup options for WordPress blogs.

Post update on reading challenges.

Write Try This Tuesday for next week.

READ TOGETHER CHALLENGE –

Read with Michael in the morning.

Read Little House books at bedtime.

Go to library with Michael.

MISCELLANEOUS -

Review school notes and email thoughts to team for IEP/BIP.

Make table cards and name tags for Mother-to-Mother Luncheon.

Follow up on approval for STAP.

Work on arranging childcare for this summer.

Research computer hard drive backup options.

Clean and grocery shop for stamp party Friday night.

Ask Bob to select photos for photo book.

Once photos are selected, upload them and finish the project.

Have Bob call stupid credit card company who won’t talk to me despite the fact that I am the one who makes sure they get paid every month.

Remember that security questions are for Bob and they don’t really care where MY dad was born.

For more To-Do Tuesday, visit Crazy Adventures in Parenting.

The idea of the Read Together 2009 Challenge, created by Jennifer at Snapshot, is to set a goal (or goals) for connecting with your children through reading in the month of April.

All you have to do is post your goals and link up on her blog, and then post/link again at the end of April to report on how it went. And if you publish your goals by April 5 and your results by May 3, you will be eligible for one of the prizes.

Here are my goals for reading more with Michael during the month of April:

• Take him to the library once a week to pick out new books together, and then read the books to him during the week.
• Spend some time reading to him at least three mornings per week.
• Start reading the Little House books to him at bedtime. (I’ve always dreamed of sharing these stories with my child when I had one, and I think he would really enjoy them now.)

You may have noticed all my goals are related to me reading out loud to him. He does read very well for his age, but his willingness to read out loud to me or read a book just to himself varies. I don’t push for it but am always receptive to it when it happens.

Anyway, I’m really excited about having specific, measurable goals to work on over the next few weeks (can you tell I am getting ready for an IEP meeting?). To keep up with how I do on my challenge, subscribe to my feed. To join in yourself or see what others are doing, visit Read Together 2009.

I enjoyed putting together the Autism Resources posts in April so much that I had planned to continue doing them every so often, but it seems that an entire month has gone by already without my getting around to it. So, the last time I was at the library, I noticed this book in the new non-fiction area and just had to pick it up.

Autistics’ Guide to Dating: A Book By Autistics, For Autistics and Those Who Love Them or Who Are in Love with Them by Emilia Murry Ramey and Jody John Ramey

Although my son won’t be dating anytime soon (he is only 6, after all!), I was intrigued to hear what this married couple, both of whom are on the autism spectrum, had to say on the topic of dating and relationships. The book follows the status of their relationship from the initial meeting to dating and courting (they call their unique mixture of the two “dorting”) to becoming engaged and getting married.

Each chapter, in addition to specific related topics, includes a heading for Jody’s Story, Emilia’s Story, and Conclusions and Joint Analysis. They stress that this is not a definitive how-to book but rather an opportunity for people with autism to have a variety of resources on this topic just like non-autistic people have lots of books to turn to on the subject.

Here are some other books of related interest suggested by the Ramey’s:

• Asperger Syndrome – A Love Story by Sarah Hendrickx and Keith Newton
• Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine Aston
• Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work by Katrin Bentley
• An Asperger Marriage by Gisela and Christopher Slater-Walker
• Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford

Please let me know if you have other helpful resources on this topic. Also, feel free to check out my other posts on Autism Resources or What I’ve Been Reading. Thanks!

There are so many books and other resources for understanding and developing social skills, and I have to admit that I have not read much in this area yet. So I am actually looking for recommendations on what people have found helpful, especially as their kids were entering elementary school.

Although it may or may not be relevant to our immediate concerns, I am very interested to read The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron.

Another book that looks promising is The Hidden Curriculum: Practical Solutions for Understanding Unstated Rules in Social Situations by Brenda Smith Myles, Melissa L. Trautman and Ronda L. Schelvan.

The biggest resource I personally have used so far in this area is Social Stories™ by Carol Gray, and I can’t even begin to tell you how helpful they have been. Once you learn the guidelines for writing them, you can easily create one for any situation. Visit The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding to find information on these, as well as a variety of related topics, such as adolescence and bullying.

At the Penn State Autism Conference last year, Dr. Scott Bellini from the Indiana Resource Center for Autism presented on Building Social Relationships. It was a fascinating workshop, despite the fact that there was a fire drill in the middle of it (many of us thought he was trying to give an example of sensory overload, but it was real)! The IRCA website also has in-depth articles on a wide range of topics, including several contributed by Temple Grandin.

I look forward to hearing your suggestions!